Reframing Strength as a path to Suicide Mitigation

Suicide is the leading cause of death in men under the age of 50 and has affected several men I have known over recent months.  For 18 of the last 20 years suicide was the leading cause of death for both males (27%) and females (17%) aged 20 to 34  in the UK.

As I sat on the sofa this evening watching Frozen 2 with our youngest son, something made me reflect on the importance of what we are teaching our children about what is means to be strong.  The film is a sequel that tells a story of two sisters who embark on a journey together, end up seperated, and conquer the odds independently before becoming reunited.

We watched as the first sister faced traversing a stormy sea that had taken the life of her parents.  'Look how strong she is' I said to him.  'Look how the wave smashes her and she keeps going'.  'Look how strong she is' I continued, 'see how even though she is afraid of the threats facing her, she assesses them, tackles them and keeps going.  She's so strong.'  I was hoping that this would be a teachable moment for him in seeing the princess bashed, battered and threatened by the elements but persisting through her trials.

As the film continued, the aforementioned sister is presumed to have died, and her sibling, who has also endured tremendous adversity keeps going.  She learns of her sister's death in a cave because the life of her only companion, which is enabled by her sister's life, ends.  She breaks down and cries in the cave.  'Look how strong she is' I say to my son. 'Look how she feels her sadness; it is so important to feel your sadness to be strong'.  'Look how even though she feels like she has lost everything, she has no one and is totally alone, she puts one foot in front of the other and keeps going.  That is strength.  It is so important to process your sadness and keep going.' I tell him.

After saying this, I reflected on how many of our previous conversations had equated strength with physical dominance.  He is particularly keen on 'Hulk-smash' and being a ninja despite never having seen these shows at home.  He has been socialised at the age of four into these roles by his peers and is excused for acting on physically aggressive impulses by others who tell me that 'boys will be boys' and its only 'rough play'.  In the ways we try to combat gender inequality there is focus on teaching young women that they are physically strong but I wonder why we are also not teaching our young people (and boys in particular) the importance of emotional resilience as a form of strength.  It goes beyond 'boys don't cry' and stresses the importance of feeling and processing emotions of pain, fear and misery as part of both dealing with and overcoming those emotions.

Suicide is an incredibly complex issue.  There are many drivers that lead someone to decide that this life is no longer an option that they are able to endure.  I don't pretend that this is 'the answer' or even that there needs to be an answer.  I do think it is important that we educate both our young men and women on the importance of experiencing emotions and grieving as a path to health and resilience.

[if you have found this article because you are looking into suicide or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Samaritans or one of these support services, you can also phone 111 for free if you are in the UK]

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